Talk therapy 👍 or 👎 or ….
Yup, I’m a psychologist. I offer talk therapy to my clients several hours every week. I strongly believe that talk therapy promotes healing. AND I think we need other alternatives to healing. For some, talk therapy may only take them part way. Especially for those who have experienced intense trauma and troubled relational dynamics in childhood.
This may call for energy or soul work.
I was randomly introduced to Family Constellations, by another psychologist. It was one of those moments. I’ve had a few in my life. I felt a spark. I pushed it away. I was skeptical. My mind kept coming back to Family Constellations. Kind of like touching a sore tooth with your tongue. You can’t stop yourself.
Anytime I dismiss something out of hand, only to find myself circling the idea again and again, I take note. I rejected the idea of Family Constellations pretty quickly. But the next day, I found myself checking it out online and researching books on the subject. Before I knew it I was making an appointment with a Family Constellation facilitator.
Since then, it’s been a powerful healing tool. Its effectiveness has really blown my mind. Here’s one example.
I wanted to reduce the negative impact that being around my ex and his wife had on me. I knew and understood all the dynamics that contributed to this. I think all of us who have been divorced, get it. I was seeking to change how I felt, not how they acted.
Enter Family Constellations. My mentor and amazing facilitator, Luisa, walked me through an exercise to clear past partners’ energy. She had me imagine my ex and his wife standing in front of me. She had me say certain phrases to them and had them say certain phrases to me. These were simple framing of what is real, what is true and will always be true. Kind of the true order of things. “I am and will always be your first wife and mother of our three children.” “I honor you as the father of our three amazing children.” She had me imagine him saying similar statements to me. She added a statement from my ex to me, “I am sorry for any pain I caused you.”
Wow, this one had more impact than I ever could have imagined. There were lots of tears, even some yelling. It got even more interesting when she brought in his current wife (also the woman he had an affair with during our marriage) . She had me say, “I will always be his first wife. That will never change. Our children will always be his first three children. That will never change. AND she had his current wife say similar sentences back to me. This included a sentence apologizing for any pain she caused me.
It sounds so simple and obvious. It was more powerful and healing than I could have ever imagined.
Here’s where it gets crazy. One month later my adult son shared that he’d had dinner with his Dad. He said, “Dad said something to me that made me feel really good. He said, ‘I hope you know how lucky you are to have the Mom you have.” I am not making this up. This was very out of character for my ex and only happened after the Family Constellation exercise I described. I have felt totally different since. Magical.
I knew I needed to introduce this into my practice.
As I became more involved in Family Constellations, I was frustrated by the language used to describe it. The descriptions were not clear or concise. Many felt like they were talking in circles or some code I didn’t understand. It was shrouded in mystery. Enigmatic. Cryptic.
I love to consider the inexplicable. The mysteries of life. I’m a curious person. AND it’s also important to me to understand ideas related to healing. That’s especially true if I’m asking you to give Family Constellations a try.
So here goes.
A Brief History of Family Constellations
Family Constellations, developed in the late 1980s, is a relatively new therapeutic approach to healing old, stuck, familial patterns. Created by Bert Hellinger, a German psychoanalyst and former priest. As a missionary, Hellinger spent 16 years living with the Zulu tribe in South Africa. The Zulus had a strong influence on him, planting the seeds that later became Family Constellations. He noticed how interwoven ancestry, group ritual, and healing was for the tribe. When he trained as a psychoanalyst, he took these ideas, combined them with concepts from Family Systems and Gestalt therapy, and created Family Constellations.
The Who, What, Where AND How of Family Constellations
So, what is Family Constellations, really? Who is it for? What does it look like in practice? Where does it happen—and how on earth does it work? These are the exact questions I found myself asking when I first stumbled into this world. In the next section, I’ll walk you through each of these—breaking down the who, what, where, and how—so you can get a clear, grounded sense of what this work involves and whether it might be a good fit for you.
Who is a good fit for Family Constellations? Who can benefit?
Pretty much anyone who has or had a family will benefit. Anyone! Not to be cheeky, but truly I don’t know a single soul who will not find some healing in Family Constellations. Its impact is universal.
Do you have old relationship patterns you want to break?
Are there persistent unhealthy behaviors that you haven’t been able to conquer?
If the answer to either of these is yes, Family Constellations will help.
What does Family Constellations look like?
This one is harder to answer. It can look a few different ways, which is one of the things I love about Family Constellations. However, that is one reason it’s tough to describe.
Family Constellations can be done individually or in a group. Both formats offer amazing healing. Each offering a different healing experience.
Let’s look at both.
What is a group constellation?
Group work is how FC originated, so we’ll start here. I like to have at least five people to do a constellation. Ten or more is even better. I’ve been to constellations with 35 people and that was wonderful. Everyone sits in a circle. The facilitator will seat themselves in a central location in the circle.
What actually happens in a group constellation?
Each constellation focuses on just one person’s issue. That person is the “seeker.” The seeker sits beside the facilitator. Before the constellation begins, the seeker shares a struggle they want to work on. This is usually a relational pattern they want to shift. For example:
- I keep picking unavailable men/women.
- I am such a people pleaser; I cannot set boundaries with anyone.
- My relationship with my mother/father/sibling is full of conflict and I want to change that.
- I find it difficult to be vulnerable with my partner.
These are some very basic examples of issues suitable for a constellation. There are infinite possibilities.
Once the issue has been briefly outlined, the facilitator will ask a few basic questions. These generally are about the seeker’s family of origin. This is not at all as in depth as a therapy session. It’s not meant to be a complete history. It will likely take about 5 minutes.
Next, based on what you want to work on, the facilitator will suggest who in your family will be a part of the constellation. Often it’s your mother, father, maybe a sibling. It might also include a grandparent or a spouse. It often begins with members of your family of origin.
The facilitator then asks the seeker to select people to represent their family members. If the seeker prefers, the facilitator can select those representatives. There’s no right or wrong way to select these folks. We call these people the “representatives”. Sometimes you’ll hear “mother representative”, “father representative”, etc.
Once selected each “representative” enters the circle. The “seeker” is instructed to place each representative wherever they feel appropriate. The term “constellation” refers to this – the placement of family members within the circle. The facilitator may quietly walk around inside the circle for a few minutes. No one is talking. Everyone is tuning in to what their bodies feel.
This is where magic begins.
The facilitator will begin asking each representative some questions. How are they feeling? What have they noticed since entering the circle? Do they notice anything in their body? Are they drawn particularly to anyone else in the circle? Or are they repelled by anyone? What do they notice? The “representatives” are instructed to move wherever feels right to them. They might stand, sit, lie down.
Full disclosure. I was skeptical the first time I did this. How and why would I feel anything different just because I’m in a constellation? Why would I be called to move? I assumed my own feelings, my own body would override any other feelings. So if I was having a bad day, that’s what I would feel. If I was fully rested and excited to be present, that’s what I would feel.
To my surprise, this was NOT what happened. Once I entered the constellation I began to feel different things.
(We’ll explore how this works later – stay with me – there is science behind it. )
What happens in any given constellation depends on the issue being addressed. We never know! The issue, the representatives, and the facilitator all impact the outcome. Every constellation is different. At the same time, there will be familiar things in every constellation.
Here is another fascinating product of Family Constellations. Every constellation offers healing. Not only the seeker benefits. Each of the representatives, and every single person holding space in the outer circle all likely experience some healing.
This is one of the amazing parts of Family Constellations work. It also makes sense. We are all human. Our struggles have many, many common threads. So witnessing one person’s healing, touches our own. It’s very cool to be the seeker. But I’ve also experienced even more healing as a representative and also as a member of the circle.
How cool is that?
What does an individual constellation look like?
In an individual constellation session, things start out very similar to a group constellation. You’ll share a relationship pattern or behavior that you want to work on. The facilitator will ask a few questions about your family of origin. Not a deep dive, but some basic questions.
Then the individual constellation takes the form of a guided meditation. The therapist will help you get grounded. Eventually leading you into a visualization of your family. They’ll ask you questions about who is present, where people are standing, what they are doing, and how you are feeling.
Individual constellations follow the same premise as a group, you’re just using your imagination. You’re visualizing your family, and the facilitator is suggesting things they may say to you and things you may share with them.
Generally an individual constellation will last about an hour. They have a similar feel as a group constellation. I have experienced incredibly deep healing from both individual constellations and from a group.
Where do group and individual constellations take place?
Group constellations may be in person which is a wonderful experience and my favorite. But they can also be done virtually. I’ve attended many powerful Zoom constellations and they work very well.
Individual constellations can be done in person, but the majority I see are online.
How does Family Constellations work? Hold on. Now things get even more interesting.
The most important thing to understand is that Family Constellations is not a cognitive process. You can’t think your way through a constellation. Truly, it is just the opposite. It is body based, intuitive, and an energy practice. It is soul work. It begins with tapping into the “morphic field”.
What the heck is that you might ask? Can you explain the morphic field?
Time to geek out for a bit. The morphic field is the vast and timeless source of information that connects us all. We can experience the morphic field when we are willing to open to the unknown and see whatever comes up. While it sounds very woo. It is a bit. But not totally.
It’s an area that scientists have been studying for years. We didn’t always know that the earth was round. The idea of traveling to the moon was at one time impossible. The morphic field is on the edge of science. It is real. We just don’t understand it totally.
The concept of a morphic field was introduced by biologist Rupert Sheldrake. He refers to a field of information, of energy or “organizing patterns,” that influence the development and behavior of organisms. This is similar to how magnetic fields influence magnets.
Back in the early 1900s, the famous psychologist, Carl Jung, proposed a similar idea. He called it the collective unconscious. He described it as a shared, universal psychic base structure common to all humans.
Here’s a more detailed explanation of the morphic field. The idea is that the morphic field is responsible for the development of forms, structures and the way living things arrange themselves. We can see this kind of change in the evolution of plants and animals in nature. These changes are then reinforced by successive generations (just like our own patterns of behavior!).
You might think, Heidi, what the heck do these ideas even look like?
Have you ever watched a flock of birds fly in formation? With little to no communication? Every bird knows exactly when and where they are supposed to fly. If one moves, other birds adjust their positions. That movement is the result of a morphic field.
How about athletic teams? The interactions both on and off the field/court, create an energy that influences a team’s performance. That energy is the result of a morphic field.
Have you ever chanted with a group of people? Sung hymns in church? For many there is an intense feeling of well-being and peace that happens in these situations. Again, that’s a morphic field.
When we gather in circle for a constellation, a morphic field is created. We congregate with the intention of healing. There is a joint purpose. This creates the energy that then directs the group.
It’s why representatives feel an urge to move within the circle, to move away from one person, to lie down, or to laugh or cry. All of this is part of the morphic field.
It is totally a “feeling” process. We actually need to turn our brains off. It’s not about thinking where to move. You just follow your body.
Wrapping it all up: Clarifying Family Constellations Therapy
I hope this helps clarify Family Constellations a bit. Or at the very least, give you an idea of what you can expect when you join me for a constellation. It is mysterious and enigmatic. It’s also rooted in a good bit of science, from the morphic field to the Family Systems and Gestalt therapies.
What do you think?
Want to give it a try?
Here’s what I’ll be offering.
- Individual Family Constellations via Zoom. Just email me to set up a time. [email protected]
- Group Family Constellations via Zoom. Get on the waitlist here.
- In-person Family Constellations in Maine and Boston. Get on the waitlist here.
- And if you’d like to try a complimentary Soul Exercise, I’ve created one for you! You can access that here.
If you have any questions just reach out. I’d love to hear from you.
With care, Heidi